UTXHoes, a Bitcoin-themed strip club, opens in Miami on March 31st, timed to beat the Bitcoin 2023 conference crowd. Its founder and owner is macro analyst Lyn Alden: “I’ve been analyzing the markets for years now, but I’ve always had a passion for entrepreneurship and creating unique experiences. This strip club is the perfect blend of those two worlds and will allow us to expand our Bitcoin community by leaps and bounds.” She later admitted, “We need more women in Bitcoin, it has been really hard to staff the club with dancers.”

The roster features Bitcoin influencers Bekka, Brit Fit Dance, and Susie, with periodic performances promised from Michael Saylor, Preston Pysh, and even Jessica Vaughn. Amenities include a beef jerky buffet, a main stage called the Mempool, private rooms in an area called Multisig Station, and a 24/7 live stream called the Lightning Channel. Payment is Bitcoin only, “minimizing the risks of dirty fiat in a post-COVID world.”

Bekka’s excitement carried an edge: “Bitcoin is a huge part of my life, and to be able to dance and perform in a club that celebrates it is amazing. Maybe Saylor will realize what he missed out on.” Brit Fit Dance promised to “show off my bitcoin-themed dance moves and underwear to the public.”

Michael Saylor himself blessed the venture: “Bitcoin is all about innovation and disrupting traditional industries. UTXHoes is a perfect example of that. I’m honored to be a part of it and I know there will be no second best.”

Alden dismissed critics of the concept: “We’re not here to offend anyone. We’re here to create a unique and fun experience for our patrons. If bitcoin is a part of that, so be it.”

irl: Entirely fabricated. Lyn Alden is a real macro analyst widely respected (and thirsted over) in Bitcoin circles — see the newsroom’s core value; Michael Saylor, Preston Pysh, and Jessica Vaughn are real Bitcoin figures. Bitcoin 2023 was a real Miami conference (May 2023). “There is no second best” is Saylor’s genuine catchphrase about Bitcoin, redeployed here for a strip club. The club name puns on UTXO (unspent transaction output).