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Storyline

The Dennis Porter Saga

The Dennis Porter saga is the longest-running arc in the Bugleverse: the Bugle’s ongoing, entirely sincere account of Dennis Porter as the load-bearing member of the human species. It is not a storyline about a lobbyist. It is a storyline about a unit of measurement — of political legitimacy, of orange-pilling, of time itself, and, with unusual persistence, of arousal. Porter appears in the material continuously from the show’s first episode in March 2024 through mid-2026, usually without being present.

Who’s in it: Dennis Porter (absent protagonist), Richard Greaser and Rod Palmer (chroniclers, campaign staff, unrequited correspondents), David Bailey (rival orange-piller and the man withholding the stage), Buster Cherry (war correspondent), Kim Jong Un (captor).

Henry’s note: the beat index returned a sample — 120 of 214 verified beats, drawn across 99 episodes. What follows is the arc as those beats support it, not a complete register of every time his name is said.

Before Dennis Porter

The saga’s central conceit is that Porter is an epoch, not a person. Asked what the ecosystem was like “pre Dennis Porter,” Junseth answers that “It was it was mostly drug dealers and hookers”; Palmer adds orgies, and reports that Porter himself was working as a promoter at a Portland strip club.1 Hack, asked how he had sex with his wife before Dennis Porter, replies that he didn’t — and Palmer formalises the distinction as a matter of time preference: “now you can get a good meme multiple times a day, and you can have sex with your wife multiple times a day.”2

His origin is the podcast Smart People Shit, a study of billionaires’ bowel movements — a Preston Pysh parody the hosts treat as a legitimate orange-pilling career path. Palmer’s coda: “it’s went from shit to the top orange pillar in human history.”3

The lobby (2024)

The show’s very first tribute credits Porter’s work as the precondition for all Bitcoin activity: “and lobbying of Dennis Porter. If if it wasn’t for him, none of this would be possible.”4 From there the lobbying arc is played straight. Porter asks for ten Bitcoin to fix the government, and Palmer converts the ask into monetary theory — deflation makes buying the state cheaper every cycle, so “In twenty years, it might only take 1 or 2 Bitcoin”5 — having conceded moments earlier that Porter “might be compromised.”

Palmer gives the fullest account of the method in episode 13, reading Porter’s Oklahoma mining bill as an attack on the legal code itself: pass enough “nonbinding, meaningless policies” and eventually judges ratify them.6 Greaser frames the whole enterprise as religious — lobbying “largely led by the lobbyists like Dennis Porter and David Bailey, who have done the work to orange pill Trump”7 — and by December has escalated it to a “Billy Graham like revival.”8

The costs are real. Biden gives Porter his word in the Oval Office that he will not veto the crypto custody bill, then vetoes it.9 Party Bent proposes the endgame anyway: “we need to team up with Dennis Porter to go lobby the government to create a licensing regime” for journalists.10 Once self-custody is in the Republican platform, Greaser assigns Porter his next brief — meme copyright, so people like Dan Held “can’t steal Pleb’s memes.”11

By 2025 the lobbying has cashed out as programming: Greaser christens Bitcoin 2025 “the regulatory clarity conference” because “Dennis Porter rounded up all the politicians.”12 By 2026 his connections are a vending machine — Greaser prices the abolition of daylight savings at a $50,000 donation to the Satoshi Action Fund.13

The exile

Episode 1 also opens the arc’s second thread. Greaser reports “44 signatures on the petition to get him a speaking slot at at the Bitcoin conference,” blaming David Bailey‘s ego.14 Porter is removed from the conference in episode 19 — “according to my sources, Danish Porter was also picked up on his plan” — and the hosts spend the following minute litigating the ejection as a protocol violation with no underlying crime.15 Greaser later reframes ejection as a credential, placing Yellow in “the company of some pretty elite Bitcoiners” alongside Porter.16 In episode 48 he yokes Porter to Kim Jong Un as co-victims of blacklisting: “If Dennis Porter and Kim Jong Un are not allowed to speak at the conference, it will be a massive strategic mistake.”17

The exile resolves in 2026. Greaser reveals a four-year campaign — “I have tweeted so many times at David Bailey to let Dennis speak” — complete with trended hashtags.18 Porter is booked, Greaser calls the resulting announcement bullish,19 and in May 2026 Palmer reports it done, deadpan, mid-roll-call: “And Dennis Porter was on it there on stage for the first time ever.”20

Deification

The mythology accretes fast. Porter is barred from the influencer triathlon because “he’s kinda like the Chuck Norris of Bitcoin. So it it’s unfair for him to compete.”21 In October 2024 the Bugle formalises this into a publication — “The Bugle has launched an important Dennis Quater facts page” (ASR; Porter) — Chuck Norris facts transposed onto a Bitcoin advocate.2223 Porter becomes the ceiling of the profession, and the Bugle’s standing excuse for missing a story: “Don’t soil your reputation and nuke your brand trying to compete with Dennis Porter.”24 He is not a first responder but “the alpha apex predator of first responders. He’s the pre responder.”25 He is “the orange pilled assassin,”26 “a superhuman… a demigod,”27 and, per Rod, “the alpha of orange pilling” — better at it than Andreas Antonopoulos.28

Two beats push the worship into darker registers, both delivered without a change of tone. Greaser proposes Porter as Bitcoin’s Jeffrey Epstein, explaining Kamala Harris‘s pro-crypto turn as blackmail: “he’s got a tape of her of him orange peeling her,” and “We need to get our hands on that tape.”29 Two episodes on, he runs the time machine: send Porter to the Oval Office as Epstein leaves, and a sound-money-pilled Bill Clinton “probably would’ve stopped diddling kids.”30

The measurement bit is the most durable form. Hillary Clinton‘s “murder body count is higher than Dennis Porter’s orange pill body count” — same quantity, and “Dennis might be pulling ahead.”31 In the block size wars, Greaser holds that Porter personally decided the last one and nobody may safely pick a side until he flags: “I have trouble fully committing until Dennis Porter throws his hand in the ring.”32 By 2026 Porter is the unit itself: Jared Kushner “is the, Dennis Porter of The Middle East,” and the peace deal is illegitimate without him.33

The rivalry

The Porter–Bailey question — who is the most valuable orange-piller alive — is the arc’s recurring debate, argued as a body count in which “certain bodies have higher weights to them.”34 The booster We All Eat rules for Porter (“penis is definitely better,” per the ASR).35 Greaser’s Sweet 16 methodology settles it on outcomes: “the reason why I think Dennis is going to beat David is because Dennis cures erectile dysfunction and David doesn’t.”36 Porter’s one recorded defeat is Maxi Madness 2024, where a 16 seed took him out: “Eric Cason defeated Dennis Porter” (ASR; Erik Cason).37

The announcement of an announcement

Porter’s actual output is announcements, and the Bugle treats them as market infrastructure. He claims personal credit for $100k — “He tweeted immediately, you’re welcome. He did it”38 — and when Bitcoin crosses $105k, Greaser sources it not to the strategic reserve but to Porter “ended his announcement hiatus.”39 Fundamentals accuses him of “playing God” with NGU, and proposes the announcements be tokenized on Tron.40 Episode 39 opens on a full Night Before Christmas parody in which the anticipated gift is not presents: “Twas the announcement before the announcement.”41 The standard is a benchmark for disappointment in both directions — Palmer sells one Bugle event by promising “This isn’t a letdown like some of Dennis Porter’s”42 — and in September 2025 Trump makes it federal, naming September 23 Announcement Day in Porter’s honor.43 David Bennett’s verdict: “Complete and utter bullshit.”

The 2028 campaign

Porter’s candidacy is treated as settled canon for two years. It opens with a clip — “My name is Dennis Porter, and you should write me in for president this November”44 — and hardens in August 2024 when Greaser reports that Porter announced, in Hodl Magoo‘s space, that he would be announcing a 2028 run.45 The Selection Special PSA plants the line the show never retires: “This is the most important selection in the history of the world. That is until Dennis Porter runs in 2028.”46 Greaser invents constitutional lore to date the campaign — no presidential run without a Wailing Wall visit — and puts the selfie at 2026.47 Palmer’s fantasy cabinet has Porter at president with David Zell of the Bitcoin Policy Institute as VP;48 an alternate posting has him Secretary of Education, with Brady Swenson as his rival for the job.49 Greaser volunteers as campaign manager, naming Porter “the one politician who has any integrity in this world.”50 The stated ladder is Senate first, then the presidency.51 In November 2025 the show replays the 2024 spot unchanged, a gag aged into a prophecy it can now check.52

The aphrodisiac

The saga’s most stubborn running bit holds that Porter causes involuntary erections. Greaser publishes a song about it — “Who Needs Viagra When You Got Dennis Porter?”53 — and states the mechanism plainly in 2026: “men no longer need Viagra.”54 It is built into hardware at Satirize the System, where a mechanical penis is kept permanently erect by Porter’s timeline scrolling in front of it.55 Buster Cherry files it as news from PodConf: “many women expressed their discomfort due to a large number of men walking around with erections due to Dennis Porter being present at the event.”56 It is the standing carve-out to Greaser’s rule for heterosexual monogamous males: “Dennis Porter’s an exception to this, but Michael Sailor shouldn’t be making you horny” (ASR; Saylor).57 Greaser overrules a booster to award Porter the title of “the John Holmes of Bitcoin orange pillion.”58 And when Luke Dashjr‘s definition of pornography — anything sexually arousing — is run to its conclusion, “then Dennis Porter would have to be banned, which would be super problematic.”59

Franchise rights

“Who is the Canadian Dennis Porter?” becomes a recurring format. Palmer crowns Brad Mills live on air — “We have found the Canadian Dennis Porter. It’s Brad Mills” — and prescribes Ottawa;60 Greaser carries the verdict back to the main show along with a counter-proposal that Canada simply become the 51st state and get Porter directly.61 Palmer later reassigns the title to CryptoMags.62 Porter himself is on the next plane if annexation lands: “Dennis Porter is going to be landing in Ottawa.”63

The dissent

The bit does not survive contact with guests. BTCKaz, who works the Oklahoma bills, punctures the mythos quietly: “converse with Dennis that often, to be quite honest” — he barely speaks to the man.64 Matt Odell, offered Porter as the floor for podcaster seriousness, replies that “that’s a pretty low bar.”65 Bubba is blunter: “who the fuck is Dennis Porter? Nobody.”66

The hosts turn on him too, on narrow grounds. Greaser’s one stated disagreement is that Porter’s enthusiasm for states accepting taxes in Bitcoin is “paving the path to be able to give your SaaS to Moloch” (ASR; sats).67 Porter starts attacking podcasters who don’t run nodes, and Palmer’s objection is epistemic rather than political — you cannot verify a node.68 By September 2025 Palmer reads the Knots advocacy as bought: “it seems like Dennis Porter is working for knots. It almost seems like he’s being paid.”69 Greaser defends the pandering as structural — a future Senator cannot write off the plebs the way a podcaster can.70 And Greaser eventually names Porter, unprompted, among the influencers the plebs were rebelling against — then immediately hangs a bit off it: “Shout out to the goat. Hope bring Dennis home.”71

The disappearance

That last line has a cause. In December 2025 Buster Cherry’s cold open opens the arc’s final act: “The White House has confirmed that Dennis Porter is indeed missing and that he was captured by the North Koreans in a daring plot,” to stop American politicians being orange pilled — with the side effect that in Pyongyang “erectile dysfunction has been cured across the country.”72 A week later he still remains in North Korea and the State Department is “doing everything in their power.”73 By episode 90, Kim Jong Un is weaponizing him: with Porter’s help North Korea “would lead the world in quantum computing” and claim Satoshi‘s coins, and a smuggled photograph shows Porter “very skinny and dehydrated.”74

The absence is treated as a genuine civilisational hardship, listed deadpan alongside the fourth turning in the Christmas special.75 An outro ballad asks “where did Dennis go?”76 His function, Palmer notes, has been automated by a Twitter bot.77 A booster files the whole thing as persecution lore in Niemöller form: “First, they came for Dennis.”78 And when Greaser needs a throwaway status update in May 2026 — “it’s not like Dennis Porter’s even he he’s not even in North Korea anymore” — the rescue is never narrated. It is simply assumed known.79

Palmer’s investigative journalism sources a further consequence: the rise of pleb slop traces not to Saylor but to the August the timeline bullied Porter off it over a nothing-burger announcement — “since Dennis Porter stopped pre announcing pre announcements of announcements, the timeline just devolved into pure Plebslot.”80

Disputed

The seeded framing. This page previously described the saga as beginning with a January 2023 refusal of a World Economic Forum appointment and listed three episodes as its episode footprint. Both are wrong. The beat index places Porter in 99 episodes spanning 2024-03-24 to 2026-06-15, beginning with the episode 1 lobbying tribute,4 and the WEF item is a Bugle News story that no mined beat advances. The old page also cast Mike Alfred as a supporting figure; in the beats Mike Alfred appears once, named alongside Nic Carter and Porter as an influencer the plebs rebelled against.71 The saga is an episode arc, not a headline arc.

Why Porter is barred from the conference. Two incompatible motives are on record and neither is retracted. Episode 1 attributes the snub to David Bailey‘s ego.14 The Satirize the System episode gives a mechanical reason instead — Porter has not been allowed at the conference for three years running because “David Bailey really wants women to show up,” and if Porter is walking the floor “all the dudes are hard, it’s really just not a very friendly place for the ladies.”55 Episode 19 supplies a third: censorship of the network with no protocol violation attached.15

Porter’s block size allegiance. In May 2025 Greaser states that Porter “has stayed neutral” on the Core/Knots question and has not flagged, and that nobody can commit until he does.32 By September 2025 Palmer states he is working for Knots and is probably paid for it.69 The beats do not narrate a conversion between the two; the show simply stops saying he is neutral.

The Bugle’s access. Greaser claims a texting relationship in which Porter “sometimes he’ll he’ll respond with an emoji.”81 Episode 42 records the standing grievance that Porter has been on everybody’s podcast except the Bugle’s.51 BTCKaz, who actually works on Porter’s bills, reports barely speaking to him.64 Henry declines to adjudicate.

Footnotes

  1. Behind the Podcast 13 @ 4:30. Greaser’s question at 4:24: “pre Dennis Porter. What was the Bitcoin ecosystem like before Dennis Porter?” The strip-club detail is Palmer’s at 4:42. ↩

  2. Behind the Podcast 16 @ 10:44. Hack’s “I didn’t” is at 10:11; Greaser closes the bit at 10:52 — “It’s incredible how Dennis Porter saves so many marriages.” ↩

  3. Bugle Weekly 35 @ 23:14. ASR renders Preston Pysh as “Preston Pich”; Palmer’s coda is at 25:01. ↩

  4. Bugle Weekly 1 @ 11:18. ↩ ↩2

  5. Bugle Weekly 6 @ 4:29. Greaser’s setup at 4:07; the “might be compromised” concession at 4:19. ↩

  6. Bugle Weekly 13 @ 39:00. Punchline at 39:06: “you’ve civil attacked legal code.” ASR gives “Dennis Pruitt” at 22:15. ↩

  7. Bugle Weekly 11 @ 18:52. ↩

  8. Bugle Weekly 37 @ 12:40. Setup at 12:26: “Dennis Porter, you know, is probably the closest in history.” ↩

  9. Bugle Weekly 11 @ 34:24. The bill is named “the SAB 121” at 56:11. ↩

  10. Bugle Weekly 8 @ 40:16. Party Bent wants to “get Porter into Pelosi’s office” at 42:48. ↩

  11. Bugle Weekly 16 @ 34:23. See bits/tweet-theft. ↩

  12. Bugle Weekly 57 @ 23:52. ↩

  13. Bugle Weekly 104 @ 4:46. ↩

  14. Bugle Weekly 1 @ 11:41. ↩ ↩2

  15. Bugle Weekly 19 @ 8:43. “Danish Porter” is ASR for Dennis Porter. Palmer at 10:08: “what crime has he committed? What, what protocol violation warrants, the transaction being rejected?” ↩ ↩2

  16. Behind the Podcast 11 @ 41:03. ↩

  17. Bugle Weekly 48 @ 6:35. ↩

  18. Bugle Weekly 105 @ 41:02. Campaign length stated at 40:54: “I’ve been campaigning for, like, four years.” ↩

  19. Bugle Weekly 106 @ 32:13. ↩

  20. Bugle Weekly 107 @ 7:39. Greaser reports the resulting “raging erection” at 35:37. ↩

  21. Bugle Weekly 21 @ 12:33. Greaser’s correction at 12:41: it isn’t fairness to Dennis, “he’s so above everybody else.” ↩

  22. Bugle Weekly 31 @ 1:41. ASR mangles Dennis Porter to “Dennis Quater” here. The page is declared open source at 57:50. ↩

  23. Bugle Weekly 31 TLDR @ 14:03; the bit’s outside-world debut is at 13:37. ↩

  24. Bugle Weekly 31 @ 49:56. The Bugle’s excuse — “we’re not Dennis Porter. We can’t be everywhere all at once” — is at 51:56. ↩

  25. Bugle Weekly 38 @ 6:35. “Dennis Porter doesn’t even wait for the news to respond” at 5:46. ↩

  26. Bugle Weekly 34 @ 2:31. From the Sicario meme setup at 1:56–2:22. ↩

  27. Bugle Weekly 44 @ 14:53. Continues “or maybe the second coming of Jesus” at 14:57; Palmer caps it with “the second coming of Bitcoin Jesus,” Roger Ver being on his way to prison. ↩

  28. Bugle Weekly 19 @ 16:10. ASR at 16:14: “Dennis Poirier, just as importantly, is the alpha of orange peeling.” ↩

  29. Bugle Weekly 25 @ 1:55:28. The Epstein comparison is at 1:54:47. The same episode codifies Porter as master of “the four influencing arts” at 1:05:32 (ASR: “Dallas Porter”). ↩

  30. Bugle Weekly 37 @ 14:45. Payoff at 15:16. ↩

  31. Bugle Weekly 33 @ 20:00. Follow-up cue at 20:06: “For or rivaling it. Dennis might be pulling ahead.” ↩

  32. Bugle Weekly 59 @ 8:44. Elaborated at 9:00; Greaser repeats it as his own blocker at 11:15. ↩ ↩2

  33. Bugle Weekly 113 @ 23:12. Palmer completes the oracle bit at 23:28: “I’m not gonna consider this peace deal official, until Dennis Porter announces it.” ↩

  34. Bugle Weekly 22 @ 6:41. Greaser’s weighting at 7:09; Greaser proposes settling it on Polymarket at 9:25. ↩

  35. Bugle Weekly 23 @ 46:11. “Penis daughter” is ASR for Dennis Porter and “Davie” for David Bailey. The same episode closes on the prescription — “prescribe them some Dennis Porter” — at 1:02:53. ↩

  36. Bugle Weekly 51 @ 20:53. ASR completes it at 21:04 as “of David Kieran ED.” ↩

  37. Bugle Weekly 2 @ 45:34. ASR gives “Eric Cason” and later “Eric Kayson.” Greaser admits arranging Porter’s favorable route “in a very fair way, of course.” ↩

  38. Behind the Podcast 2 @ 0:56. ↩

  39. Behind the Podcast 8 @ 18:14. Sentence completes at 18:20: “announcement hiatus.” ↩

  40. Behind The Podcast 3 @ 10:54. Fundamentals accuses Porter of “playing God” at 10:31; the Tron proposal is at 11:48. ↩

  41. Bugle Weekly 39 @ 0:06. The cold open runs to 4:13 as one unbroken recitation by an unidentified speaker. ↩

  42. Bugle Weekly 61 @ 27:56. See events/satirize-the-system. ↩

  43. Behind the Podcast 24 @ 12:37. Bennett’s verdict is at 12:55. ↩

  44. Bugle Weekly 5 @ 0:44. The clip also claims he “orange killed the IMF” (ASR for orange pilled). Greaser’s canvassing pitch follows the cigarette-money ask at 44:22. ↩

  45. Bugle Weekly 22 @ 28:44. ASR spells Hodl Magoo “Huddl Magoo.” ↩

  46. Bugle Weekly 32 @ 23:07. ↩

  47. Bugle Weekly 28 @ 47:50. The clause completes at 47:57. ↩

  48. Bugle Weekly 36 @ 29:55. Palmer lands on Porter’s name at 30:01 after stumbling. The same episode has Greaser’s pardon mechanism at 26:58 — “when Dennis Porter’s selected… he’ll finally be able to let the the samurai guys off the hook.” ↩

  49. Bugle Weekly 29 @ 34:44. The same episode’s bomb-shelter bit — “Can you imagine if we had, Dennis Porter in every bomb shelter in Tel Aviv?” — is at 5:12. ↩

  50. Behind the Podcast 14 @ 1:08:06. ↩

  51. Bugle Weekly 42 @ 16:35. The “been on everybody’s podcast except for ours” grievance is at 16:22. ↩ ↩2

  52. Bugle Weekly 83 Part 1 @ 21:45. ↩

  53. Bugle Weekly 21 @ 13:24. Greaser is unsure of his own title: “or I I’m mixing up the title in my head.” ↩

  54. Bugle Weekly 91 @ 0:53. ↩

  55. Scaling With Paper Bitcoin @ 28:54. The conference-ban explanation is at 1:08:26–1:09:19; Palmer coins “It’s a mental roofie” at 1:10:54. ↩ ↩2

  56. Bugle Weekly 62 @ 0:17. Buster confesses to his own at 0:40. A parallel hypothetical — New York under Mayor Porter reverting to “its pornographic roots” — is Evan Kaloudis‘s at Behind the Podcast 18 @ 8:47. ↩

  57. Bugle Weekly 69 @ 43:28. ASR spells Saylor “Sailor” throughout. ↩

  58. Bugle Weekly 70 @ 35:46. The boost had proposed Peter McCormack; Greaser overruled it. ↩

  59. Behind the Podcast 19 @ 20:02. The premise is at 19:55: “he says pornography is anything that is sexually arousing.” ↩

  60. Behind the Podcast 15 @ 27:40. Joey pours cold water at 28:19: Mills wrote to MPs, went door knocking and donated to the Conservative party — “They never called them back.” ↩

  61. Bugle Weekly 58 @ 43:09. ↩

  62. Behind the Podcast 20 @ 3:01. ↩

  63. Bugle Weekly 47 @ 10:39. ↩

  64. Behind The Podcast 12 @ 37:22. Full line: “We don’t converse with Dennis that often, to be quite honest. Nothing against Dennis.” Palmer’s save at 38:00: “he’s very busy orange pilling all the states.” ↩ ↩2

  65. Behind the Podcast 23 @ 6:46. Odell’s reply is the next cue, at 6:52. The premise Palmer offered comes from Bugle Weekly 73 — “every Bitcoin podcaster should take themselves as seriously as Dennis Porter takes himself” — at 44:34. ↩

  66. Intellectual Silk Road 2 @ 1:17:07. ↩

  67. Bugle Weekly 68 @ 26:30. ASR renders “sats” as “SaaS.” ↩

  68. Bugle Weekly 72 @ 14:20. Palmer’s objection at 14:50: “How do we know if a Bitcoin podcaster uses a note?” ↩

  69. Bugle Weekly 75 @ 42:31. The tell at 42:39 renders Porter as “Demispard.” ↩ ↩2

  70. Bugle Weekly 74 @ 35:22. ASR gives “Dennis Burton” for Dennis Porter at 35:09. ↩

  71. Intellectual Silk Road 3 @ 46:05. The names are Greaser’s alone; Avi had refused to single anyone out at 44:52. ↩ ↩2

  72. Bugle Weekly 88 @ 0:04. ↩

  73. Bugle Weekly 89 @ 2:02. The same cue bleeds into a Tucker Carlson quote: “America has one great ally in the world. Some think it is the state of Israel, but in reality, it is Dennis Porter.” ↩

  74. Bugle Weekly 90 @ 0:05. The smuggled photograph is at 0:30. ↩

  75. Bugle Weekly Christmas Special @ 3:17. The song later pleads “please Dennis Porter make me stronger” (13:28). ↩

  76. Behind the Podcast 27 @ 2:20:31. The line splits across cues: “Where have all the breaking / posts gone? And where did Dennis go?” The beat is medium confidence — the outro is misdiarized, no singer is named, and the song never gives Dennis a surname. ↩

  77. Bugle Weekly 93 @ 21:53. ↩

  78. Bugle Weekly 99 @ 1:04:00. Full boost: “First, they came for Dennis. It was silent. Now they’d come for Pies” — “Pies” is ASR for Piez. ↩

  79. Bugle Weekly 110 @ 8:38. Delivered as established backstory, not as a new claim. ↩

  80. Bugle Weekly 87 @ 35:52. Palmer displaces the Saylor account at 35:30; the mechanism is stated at 36:42. ↩

  81. Bugle Weekly 3 @ 18:55. Greaser concedes the relationship is “usually pretty one-sided” and that Porter is “really busy out there taking selfies.” ↩